It’s a fine line when you’re trying to help someone you love who is addicted to drugs and/ or alcohol. Too much help can be termed “codependent,” essentially making their addiction possible by providing them with a place to stay, money to feed their habit and helping them to lie and cover up addictive behavior in front of others. Too little help and your friend or family member may not realize that there is a way out of addiction through detox and treatment.

Offer Medical Help Instead of Financial Support

One way to help your loved one not only realize that there help is available but also recognize that they have a problem that is affecting their life and the lives of those around them is to organize a drug addiction intervention. A staged meeting that includes close family, friends and community leaders like clergy who are close to the person suffering from addiction is most common. A neutral mediator is often invited to help everyone maintain focus and keep things short and specific.

The Goal of a Drug Addiction Intervention

The point is of an intervention is two-fold. The first goal is to give concrete examples of events that illustrate how the addict is hurting herself and others. This is usually done first to help the person being confronted understand the depth and severity of the situation.

The second goal of an drug addiction intervention is for the addict to choose drug rehab—immediately. An ultimatum is usually made: go to drug rehab or lose something specific and important. This “something specific and important” can be a spouse saying, “Get help or I’m divorcing you,” or it can be a parent telling a child, “Get help or move out.” The point is that the consequences for not choosing to get help immediately—that is, walk out the door, get in the car and drive directly to a drug rehab like The Canyon—are dire and also immediately effective.

Though it may sound harsh, a drug addiction intervention can be a valuable way to help your loved one get the help they need now. If you need assistance, check here the rest of the month for more tips or contact The Canyon if you would like a professional interventionist to assist you in approaching your loved one on the subject of drug addiction treatment.

If hearing another’s personal experience with drugs is the best way to understand the true nature of drug addiction and if making connections with others who are struggling with drug addiction will help us become stronger in our recovery, then one Laguna Beach, California, mom is doing everything she can to help both sides of addiction.

Drug Addiction and Radio

Leyla Fatima is a single mother of two sons, both of whom struggled for almost 10 years with drug and alcohol addictions. With time spent in emergency rooms, drug rehabs and jail visitation as a result, Fatima decided to launch a radio show to talk about her experiences and reach out to other parents who are going through the same thing.

Fatima says, “Watching our kids self-destruct is one of the most horrible, difficult things we can go through as parents. Society often places blame on us for our kids’ problems, which also makes us feel further disconnected from the world.

“I was a present, engaged and good mother. This is a disease — it’s no one’s fault.”

Connecting with Parents of Drug Addicted Children

Her positive view of getting through the drug addiction of family members is spread through “Parenting the Addict Child,” her radio show which first aired on cable Internet a year ago and has since been picked up for national syndication by Intravision. Starting February 1, it will air from 12 noon to 2 PM on Sundays on KLSX 97.1 FM.

Fatima says, “I really want to create change so that we [as a society] come to a place where addiction is accepted and is not associated with failure or shame. Parents should not be ashamed of their children, but should feel open to talk about it, share their stories and educate one another in order to help their children.”

Sharing Offers a Gift to Both Sides

It’s a relief to vent and share whether we’re struggling with our drug addiction or someone else’s. It’s also comforting to know that we’re not alone in what we’re dealing with and listening to someone else’s story provides that support. “These parents are a gift, and they have no idea what they give me,” Fatima says.

According to Ashley Breeding at the Laguna Beach Coastline Pilot, “Fatima encourages her listeners with words of compassion and humor, and lends advice to mostly parents of young and adult addicts based on her own experiences. Her message to listeners is that they must redefine “love” as parents and deal with addiction as a disease. She encourages them to support their children’s fight against these addictions while maintaining their own independence.”

Fatima says, “It is important to laugh through it and still find pleasure in life despite our grievances. What else can we do?”

You’ve noticed a few changes in your loved one. He or she is looking a little less… coifed than usual, let’s say. There’s been more than a few ups and downs in their mood, a little excessively perhaps. Money seems always to be a problem and their hours have been a bit off. Maybe they’re disappearing for longer than usual or spending more and more time isolating themselves from the family. Conversation is minimal unless they are effusive and chatty and eye contact and interactions in general are strained.

Drug addiction comes to mind and you decide to ask them straight out. Good communication is the best policy, right? But your inquiries are met with defensiveness, anger, maybe they even turn it around on you or just ignore you completely. Still, you feel that something is definitely wrong but you don’t want to accuse them of addiction because you don’t have any solid proof. Is drug testing the answer?

The Issue of Trust With Family Drug Testing

The problem with testing someone for drugs after they have denied that they are using is that it says straight out that you think they are lying to you. This is not good for any relationship and if it’s possible that anything else is going on, you might want to exhaust your other options and explore other possibilities before insisting on a drug test.

On the other hand, few who are addicted to drugs will readily admit that to you when you ask. Lying comes part and parcel with drug and alcohol addiction if for no other reason than your loved one likely doesn’t want to admit to him or herself just how serious the problem is. Don’t take it personally, either way, as long as your concern is for their wellbeing and not just an effort to harass them.

Secret Drug Testing or Open Drug Testing?

For some, the need to avoid confrontation or even deal with the trust issue means that secret drug testing is the only way. This means securing a sample from your loved one without their knowledge. This is easy enough with hair sample tests, but it may be a bit more difficult if you need a sample of another kind.

What do you think? Is it ethical to drug test someone without their knowledge even though your intentions obviously hold their best interest in mind?

Are You Rationalizing?

Either side of the fence that you’re leaning toward, look at yourself and explore your motives before proceeding with a drug test or deciding against it. Does your gut tell you that your loved one is addicted to drugs, but you’re choosing to avoid a drug test to save your relationship with them or because you’re scared of what it might mean for everyone concerned if you get a positive result?

What do you think about at-home drug tests? Have you ever done one on your family member or loved one? What happened?

If you’re looking for a new film to watch this weekend, try and find a copy of the introspective Dancing Girl, available on DVD or as a download. It’s 80 minutes of the inner workings of one family who struggled with a daughter’s heroin addiction and its effects on the family as well as some of the reasons why she turned to drug use and abuse in the first place.

The Marks Family and Drug Addiction

Sally Marks created Dancing Girl as a way to explore the issues that her daughters, Bonnie and Emma, suffered from: anxiety disorder and heroin addiction, respectively. Emma, 37, is the focus of the film. She began using drugs at the age of 13 and, after ending up addicted to heroin, supported that addiction for 12 years by stripping. Bonnie, 28, suffers from anxiety disorder. She’s had panic attacks since she was 7 years old and was suicidal as a result of bullying by her siblings and loneliness.

A Mother’s Contribution to Her Daughter’s Drug Addiction

In the film, Sally comes to learn how her actions contributed to the eventual reactions of her daughters. It was her own self absorption, drug using and partying lifestyle, and neglect as a mother that provided the example that one daughter followed and alienated the other. Addicted to marijuana, alcohol and cocaine, Marks recognizes that the addictive patterns in her life can be traced back to her own father’s addiction and his father’s before him.

Marks says, “I was a middle-class, convent-educated girl from Kew with a successful company director for a father. But behind the facade of suburban perfection — beautiful house, tennis court, private school — it was a terribly unhappy childhood.”

Marks made choices that centered on self medication, lots of clubs and leaving her children with au pairs, nannies and childcare centers. “It was a crazy, chaotic household, back to the dope and the alcohol. We’d go out and party and leave the kids,” she says.

The Kids’ React To Mother’s Drug Addiction

Bonnie says she looks back on that time with anger and disappointment. “I missed my parents and grew up thinking they didn’t care. When they were home they were either stoned or drinking. They were either not there physically or not there emotionally.”

In the film, Emma says: “The first time I took heroin, I thought ‘That’ll show them’.” She says she grew up with a sense “of feeling that you’re less worthy of a happy life”. When her mother began shooting the movie, she didn’t react. “I was in a different place, Trevor was still around, I didn’t have a child and, frankly, I didn’t expect to make it anyway. I thought we’d be dead.”

It’s certainly not a comedy but the film works on multiple levels of drama and self discovery. Has anyone seen it? What did you think? Any other documentaries on the subject of drug addiction that you’d recommend?

Parents' Expectations Affect Kids' Drug Choices

If you think they’ll try it or you think they won’t, you’re right. The expectations we place on our children — the “voice of reason” that must be constantly repeated over and over again to relay simple acts of etiquette and morality –- really does sink in… eventually.

As adults, the inner dialogue we continually replay in our heads when no one else is looking comes directly from the people who influenced us the most in our childhood. These personal beliefs encompass more than just how we should dress or how successful we need to be in life. The entire fabric of our conscience is woven by millions of pieces of unconscious communications that frame the very essence of our personality.

Self Fulfilling Effects on Children’s Alcohol Use

Stephanie Madon, associate professor of psychology at Iowa State University, and lead author of a new study, elaborates on her team’s findings. “When mothers overestimated their teens’ future use of alcohol, the teens developed the self-view that they were likely to drink alcohol in the future, which ultimately led them to drink more.”

In previous studies, the team discovered that “mothers’ beliefs about their teen’s future use of alcohol were about 50 percent correct and 50 percent incorrect, and that the incorrect portion of mothers’ beliefs created a self-fulfilling prophecy — teens behaved like their mothers had incorrectly expected them to,” says Madon.

Expectations Influence a Desired Outcome

Self-fulfilling prophecies are, in essence, internal motivations to prove what one believes to be true about one’s self. Parental beliefs about their children are strongly linked to the child’s view of their own selves, creating an overwhelming desire to perform in the role that has been assigned to them.

“When we believe something — even if we’re wrong — when we believe it’s true, we act as though it is,” Madon explains. “And sometimes when you act as though something’s true, your behaviors will cause the belief to become true.

“So I think the moral here is to help children develop positive and pro-social self-concepts about themselves, because children are likely to make choices that match how they view themselves.”

Tell Us: Have you seen evidence of high or low expectations like these influencing behaviors in your own family? What about in school or at work?

Drug Addiction Out of Control

Everyone knows about it, so why won’t somebody do something about it? Saying anything to an addict about their behavior is risky – you’ll be labeled the “bad guy” for accusing them of having a problem, or family members might reject you for attempting to get involved and rocking the boat.

In America’s DIY culture of the twenty-first century, needing help from outside sources can be viewed as a weakness. But knowing there’s a problem that needs fixing and knowing how to fix it are two different things entirely. When your conscience keeps pushing you to speak up, there’s probably a good reason.

When to Get Involved When Drug Use is Out of Control

The best time to get involved is anytime – tomorrow may be too late: violence, accidents, incarceration, and suicide are all very real risks for someone struggling with an addiction. You never know where their quest for drugs might take them or if they’ll steer clear of getting buzzed before getting behind the wheel of a car. Simply possessing an illegal substance can lead to an arrest (not to mention the costly legal proceedings involved) and because drugs alter the fundamental chemistry in the brain, mental illnesses are fairly common in long-term users.

Children in the care of an addict are especially vulnerable to bizarre, unpredictable treatment. Small and powerless, children are often the mute recipients of an addict’s attempts to control their environment. They are on the front lines and in the trenches, and the sooner you step in and speak up can make all the difference in whether they escape a nightmare.

How to Approach An Addict When Drug Use is Out of Control

Off-the-cuff confrontations are a disservice to everyone involved. Verbally attacking an individual (even when they’ve done something wrong) won’t get you heard. If you truly want to help, start by reaching out with an olive branch. Focus on emphasizing your love and commitment to your spouse/child/friend/family member. Remind them of all the tough times you’ve been through together and all the good times you’ve shared. Reiterate that you want to share more of those good times and get through the bad stuff – together.

Having done your homework will help things run smoother. Research the addiction by reading books and websites, visiting forums and chat rooms, and participating in AlAnon or NarcAnon meetings. Make a list of the specific points that you want to discuss with your loved one and ask for feedback from a professional. Rehearse what you want to say along with responses to potential rebuttals as many times as it takes until you feel comfortable with the material.

What to Do for an Addict When Words Don’t Work

Keeping your composure doesn’t always guarantee success in convincing someone they need help. Here are a few suggestions in case talking about it doesn’t illicit the response you were hoping for:

• Present information from local health clinics
• Accompany them to AA or NA meetings
• Make an appointment with a physician for them to discuss medical concerns
• Seek out professional counseling and/or drug treatment centers
• Consider contacting children’s services if neglect or abuse is suspected

Tell Us: What are some other ways you can think of to motivate a loved one to get help for their drug addiction?

Help Kids Understand Drug Rehab

“Why does Mommy have to go?”

The absence of a parent is a frightening, confusing time for children, but the need for drug rehab is rarely a surprise to a child. Preparing in advance to answer this question – and ones like it – gives you a leg up because you won’t be caught off guard and forced to make something up on the fly.

Young children rely on their mothers and fathers to provide for their every need and ensure their safety and survival. As a result, kids are unable to grasp the concept that their parents are not the knights in shining armor they believe them to be. If Mom and Dad are capable of doing anything and solving every problem, the instant something goes wrong a child perceives the fault as his own, even if it’s as blatant as drug and alcohol addiction.

Focus on The Child’s Feelings Surrounding Drug and Alcohol Rehab

Most people (kids especially) don’t express their frustrations directly. Instead, they become adamant about taking control of the situation in their own way. Small children express this desire through hitting, biting, throwing toys, and other general unruly behaviors. Strict punishments for these actions usually result in increased frustration for both child and caregiver, and extended periods of misbehavior.

Empathizing when kids get unruly by reflecting on how they might be feeling gives them an opportunity to label their emotions and understand their own frustrations. When Johnny starts hitting, you might say something like “Hitting hurts people. Let’s take a time out and talk about what’s making you feel angry.” Identifying the source of a complex emotion takes practice and patience, but children are much more capable of talking about their feelings when they have the right words to express themselves.

The Honest Approach about Drug and Alcohol Rehab

Little ones might not be mature enough yet to understand what has happened, to realize that Mommy or Daddy will only be away for a short time, or to recognize that parents are people too and subject to their own mistakes and shortcomings. Talking about your own feelings may help break the ice when things are stressful. Giving a voice to your concerns gives children something to identify with and let’s them know they’re not alone in how they are feeling.

When questions do come up, address them with simple, age-appropriate honesty, such as “Mommy’s having some problems right now and she needs help from special doctors to get better.”

Discovering Positive Qualities from Drug and Alcohol Rehab

While it’s not a pleasant situation for anybody, the act of going through with rehab is immensely brave. Be sure to point out how courageous Mommy and Daddy are for trying to fix their problems even when they’re scared. It’s also a great demonstration of responsibility for your actions, even if you’ve make mistakes and hurt other people. Kids need to know that hope is not lost and Mommy and Daddy will be home soon to take care of them again.

Tell Us: Do you think kids react better to stressful situations when they know what’s going on around them?

When someone you love dearly, be it a friend or family member, heads off to drug and alcohol rehab, it can be scary for everyone involved. Rehab doesn’t sound like a nice place to be. The person headed into the facility isn’t winning a big prize for doing something great. And if you were one of the people who was instrumental in getting him or her into treatment, you may be having doubts just as soon as the doors close behind them.

Calm Down

Listen, you did the right thing. Letting someone know that they have a problem and helping them get into drug addiction treatment isn’t easy, but by communicating the facts of their behavior as well as your hurt and fears, you’ve done them the biggest possible favor. They may not think so now, but have some perspective. When they come home, you’ll be one of the first people to get a big fat hug and the whopping thank-you you deserve.

It’s Not Over

Just because they are getting the medical and psychological treatment they need and you are finally living a life that isn’t constantly threatened by the havoc and chaos of their roller coaster addiction, your part here isn’t done. Your loved one most likely won’t be able to contact you for the first few weeks of treatment, but soon after, they will be allowed letters and phone calls. Take this initial period of silence and rest. You deserve. Living with and loving someone who is an addict is taxing, to say the least. Get yourself together, get your house together, catch up at work, go hang out with your friends. Enjoy the fact that you can leave your wallet on the table unsupervised without fear of the cash mysteriously disappearing. But know that your loved one still needs you and reserve your emotional strength for when it’s time to show up again.

Get Ready

But prepare yourself. Soon your loved one will need support from you. This means letters, visits and possibly the opportunity to share in family therapy sessions. You may choose to join a support group of your own like Al Anon or NarAnon. Your loved one is not the only person who was damaged by their addictive behavior. You, too, must learn how to help them and how to help yourself without becoming codependent or enabling a relapse when they return home.

Family Therapy in Alcohol Rehab

If your wife, husband, mother, father, son or daughter is the one in drug and alcohol rehab, you will most likely receive an invitation to be a part of a discussion at least once with his or her therapist. If you have the time, try to go. Be open minded and remember that no one is blaming you for the problems that your loved one has with drugs and alcohol. Just by showing up, you are showing your family member that you love and support him or her and that you are going to be there when they get out despite their past behavior. Knowing that you aren’t giving up on him or her gives your loved one a boost during recovery and may be what keeps them there doing the necessary work to get better.